Message Boards
Today's Active Topics Today's Active Cases Browse Forum Categories My Recent Activity My Messages Private Groups My Marked Threads My Subscriptions
Today's Active Images Today's Active Polls Most Active Topics Global Townie Map Advanced Message Board Search Message Board Terms of Use

Behind the Curtain: Growth Through a Midlife Unraveling by Dr. Brian Anderson

Start Discussion
Categories: Health, Wellness and Ergonomics;
Behind the Curtain: Growth Through a Midlife Unraveling  

by Dr. Brian Anderson

About 3½ years ago, I started a midlife unraveling. I’m learning now to look back on the entire experience with grace and acceptance, and I hope sharing a bit of that struggle will help others who might identify with what I went through.

For years, I subconsciously believed what other people thought about me had more merit than what I thought about myself. I was living to find validation and self-worth in the approval of others because I didn’t believe in my own intrinsic worth. Fear of disappointing others prevented me from embracing my own authentic beliefs. I had so gradually acquiesced to an inner emptiness that I didn’t even know I was empty.

Neglecting the closest relationships
As I focused on building my orthodontic practice and career, and my wife and I focused on raising our children, I assumed my marriage was rock-solid and didn’t invest enough time or thought to build it. This was not because my marriage wasn’t a priority, but I can see now that I justified other things as more important or I accepted small defeats too easily (for example, trouble finding a consistent babysitter to watch our young children so we could go on dates with each other regularly) because I had become complacent in the comfort and apparent security of the marriage.

Looking back, I can see I was living to “check the boxes.” I was a slave to perfectionism, and I was too often looking externally for direction and approval rather than inwardly or in my most important partnership. I too often kept my deeper feelings bottled up. I’ve always valued being sincere and authentic, and yet I was rejecting parts of myself that I now realize are OK—that make me human and uniquely me—out of toxic shame. I believed because I wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t lovable or OK just the way that I was. This shame pushed me to a place to question the bedrock of who I am, including my religious beliefs and my marriage, and to self-sabotage.

In this place of guilt and shame, I made some mistakes and hurtful choices—some big, some small. I fi led for divorce after 16 years of marriage. I both caused and experienced deep pain, and I’ve felt profound remorse.

Through that dark abyss, my faith, counseling and introspection helped me develop stronger boundaries, greater self-awareness and resilience to shame. I am now more empathetic and less judgmental because of the mental and emotional processing of my own failures, and the development of compassion regarding the hurtful behavior of others.

A rebuilt self-worth and focus
My work as an orthodontist and business owner, although often busy and stressful, has been a refuge throughout this difficult time. Being able to show up and focus on contributing in a meaningful way to the lives of patients and team members has boosted me emotionally and helped me to be more empathetic, patient, genuine, compassionate, mindful and straightforward with patients. Interestingly, my businesses and conversions improved to the best of my career during this time, and I attribute much of that to being able to connect more meaningfully with people as I step more into my authentic self and become more resilient to shame.
Dr. Brian Anderson’s recommended reading list:

• The Second Mountain,
David Brooks

• 12 Rules for Life,
Jordan B. Peterson

• The Courage To Be Disliked,
Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

• Gentle and Lowly,
Dane C. Ortlund

• The Way of the Superior Man,
David Deida

• Radical Acceptance,
Tara Brach

• Daring Greatly,
Brené Brown

• Why Buddhism Is True,
Robert Wright

• No More Mr. Nice Guy,
Robert A. Glover

• I Hear You,
Michael S. Sorensen

• Hardcore Zen,
Brad Warner

• Wherever You Go, There You Are,
Jon Kabat-Zinn


There’s something wonderful about adding value to the world and sharing yourself with others—focusing your energy on easing their burdens and suffering—that lifts your own spirit and, ironically, eases your own burdens.

I am now finding happiness and peace where I am because of what I have learned through pain, acceptance of what was, gratitude for what is and hope for what is to be. Taking that gratitude into the interpersonal connections of my office was one of the great learning practices of my life.

I finally understand that what matters most is what I think of myself and what God thinks of me. It is not my job to make another person think and feel the way I do or the way I want them to. I am slowly learning to focus instead on my own power to work on myself and take a new and different action on my own behalf.
I have leaned on my close personal friends and therapists during my difficulties (thanks to Drs. Derek Westra, Jeremy Goodson, Chris Teeters and Andy Sarpotdar, to name a few). I have embraced the practice of mindfulness and “radical acceptance”—many thanks to friends and colleagues Drs. Kliff Kapus, Chad Foster and Mike McEwan for sending me book recommendations and books touching on this. (See sidebar.)

I have welcomed the concept of becoming an integrated man—embracing my power, assertiveness, courage and passion in addition to my imperfections, mistakes and darker side, thanks in part to Dr. Robert Glover’s educational materials. I have made connections and had transcendent epiphanies during meditation and ketamine therapies. In essence, I have become comfortable in my own skin and am developing the courage to do what is right (and not expedient), and the courage to be disliked and have people disapprove of me as I seek to be more fully authentic.

I am writing this not for the reader’s approval or forgiveness or admiration, but because I believe it is part of my redemption to share in case my lessons or experiences might be helpful to someone. I hope they can be.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” — Carl Rogers

“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are, and change the ending.” — C.S. Lewis

More In Health, Wellness and Ergonomics
5 Steps to Practicing Dentistry Pain Free.
5 Steps to Practicing Dentistry Pain Free.
Dr. Bethany Valachi
CE Credits: 1.5
Behind the Curtain: Growth Through a Midlife Unraveling
Behind the Curtain: Growth Through a Midlife Unraveling
by Dr. Brian Anderson
October 2022
Continuing Education: New PPE Considerations for Dental Professionals
Continuing Education: New PPE Considerations for Dental...
by Dr. Sophia G. Saeed and Dr. Edmund Khoo
July/August 2020
COVID-19 – What You Need To Know
COVID-19 – What You Need To Know
Dr. Michael Glick
CE Credits: 1.5
Orthotown Magazine
May 2023
Orthotown Magazine May 2023 Read Current Issue Read Archived Issues
Sponsors
Townie® Poll
Have you experienced difficulty finding/retaining staff in 2023?
  
Related Articles
A Voice in the Arena: Momentum Along Paths of Meaning
A Voice in the Arena: Momentum Along Paths of Meaning
by Dr. Chad Foster
January/February 2023
Continuing Education: New PPE Considerations for Dental Professionals
Continuing Education: New PPE Considerations for Dental...
by Dr. Sophia G. Saeed and Dr. Edmund Khoo
July/August 2020
Level Up!
Level Up!
by Dr. Glenn Krieger
January/February 2023
Site Menu
Message Boards Magazine Continuing Education Podcasts Blogs Classifieds News Events Townie® Poll Ebooks Townie Choice Awards
Company Info
Contact Us Advertise With Us Howard Farran DDS, MBA Privacy Policy Terms of Use
Site Help
Sally Gross, Member Services Specialist
Phone: +1-480-445-9710
Email: sally@farranmedia.com
©2023 Orthotown, a division of Farran Media • All Rights Reserved
9633 S. 48th Street Suite 200 • Phoenix, AZ 85044 • Phone:+1-480-598-0001 • Fax:+1-480-598-3450